Starfish

I had an ass dragger of a run today. No good explanation for this. Boyfriend came home at lunch and assumed childcare duties while I hit the trail. This was very kind of him. Generally, on my solo run days, I go out after he gets home from work. This evening I have to call into a meeting from 6 until who knows when. I am somewhat spoiled and overly accommodated. I know this. On my better days I am eternally grateful.

Today was the first day of the 35 minute runs. Two days on, one day rest. I made it the full time, but felt like hammered hell until about the 20 minute mark. Still, I didn't walk at all and I had to over shoot the house and run through the cemetery to make the time. That is rewarding.

I am fairly sure that the ass-drag factor has a lot to do with the general lack of sleep I have been getting of late. Well, not 'of late' exactly. More like in general since I got pregnant.

There was this very blissful period when Boyfriend and I first got together when I was sleeping better then I had slept in as long as I can remember.

Yeah, that was nice.

The problem right now seems to be focused on the sleeping arrangements in our house. Darling, lovable, adorable daughter has been deciding to pop on into bed with me on a more or less nightly basis since she got set up here at the "Mommy House" last month.

I have very mixed feelings about Co-Sleeping and Bed sharing and the whole phenomenon of the Family Bed in general and it is just damn complicated now. I know this is a pretty hot topic in the general world of parent chatter, especially of the anonymous (or semi anonymous) Internet variety. Mom-101 is dealing with it. So is Snickolett and Jenn over at Breed-Em-And-Weep. It was a frequent topic at DoctorMama for a while there too. There are books and articles and thesis's all over the place. There are pros and cons and all that jazz.

When Daughter was born I was all for Co-Sleeping (as opposed to bed sharing, which just sort of freaks me out, I am, as I have already mentioned a "nervous" sleeper...in the way that people are "nervous flyers"...except Valium isn't really a legitimate option when you are responsible for a little person. Its all just a little bit too fifties.). To digress, we had a Co-Sleeper and I was nursing full time. Daughter has always been pretty fussy when going down but a champion sleeper once her lights are out. She was one of those babies who was pretty much making it through the night when she was well under six months old. I blame the cloth diapers for that. I think if I had backed off and wrapped her up in a Huggie for the overnights that she would have been sleeping through the night before she hit four months. I think that C0-Sleeping is fine if it works for you.

If I had it to do over again, I wouldn't bother with the fancy pantsy Co-Sleeper though. I would just stick to the Pack-N-Play and I think I would put the baby to bed in their crib in their own room and move them in to 'bed' to nurse and finish off the night.

Bed sharing is a different thing. I was never comfortable having the baby physically in bed with me. It freaked me out. There were plenty of times when we both feel asleep while she was nursing and that is ok, just makes me anxious. There were times when we fell asleep while she was nursing and I woke up with the baby totally under the covers. Such a wiggle worm.

Plus, well, I have this particularly adorable child and she is absolutely mesmerizing whilst sleeping. And I mostly just lay there in awe and amazement getting stoned by her beauty and wonder all night long and never do get to sleep. This has been a problem since her first night out of the womb. Bother.

So, now, the whole thing is EVEN MORE COMPLICATED ...yawn... by the divorce and the new family arrangements. The best book on divorced parenting that I have read is very anti-sleeping with child post divorce. For a lot of really legitimate reasons. Like parents who are going through a separation are pretty emotionally fragile and cry just ever so often. Which could be traumatizing for a wee one. Also there are cling-y factors. And jealousy that could bubble up in kids who USED to share a bed with a single parent and who loose that place when a new partner comes on the scene. Also, they are highly critical of non-biological partners sharing a bed with children. All of this gives me great pause and nerves and ooodles and oodles of concerns.

Except. Here is the thing. Daughter toddles in to the bedroom every other night or so at some point between 2:30 and 7 in the morning. She crawls into bed and is sound asleep again before anyone really gets a word in edgewise. She sleeps great and usually until about 9 in the morning which makes mama happy. As I am almost never sleeping at any point in this I get to witness her comfort with both me and Boyfriend. She will, pretty frequently be found sleeping with her head on his shoulder, the two of them snoring away.

This is the first time she has been expected to sleep in a Big Girl Bed. The 2-5 ages are the peak of the wanting to sleep with mom/dad/whomever fills that role. It would be decidedly easier if the 2-5s weren't the ages of sleeping like a starfish, splayed out to the maximum extent your little body will allow. This phenomenon doesn't do much to help with the desire to allow her to continue crashing in my bed much either, but I worry that walking her back to her bed and going through the whole routine again will disable her sleep mechanism.

I am in need of some guidance on this one. Or some support. Or something.

Also, I am afraid, a bigger bed.