Cluck, Cluck, Cluck

03 November 2008

on feeling jinxy

So, tomorrow, there is something happening tomorrow...I can't quite put my finger on it, but I know there is like an event or a thing or OH! WAIT! The ELECTION!

As I have already noted (here) I voted a couple of weeks ago, so tomorrow is more about doing some volunteer stuff, hanging out with Daughter, and getting my hair done than actual work for the first time in a looooooooong time. Also, Boyfriend arrives late tomorrow night and we are staying in a hotel for the night downtown on the off chance that we decide to stay up ridiculously late and socialize with other hyped up political types until far to late in the evening/morning.

I've got to tell you, I don't really feel like it. I don't really want to go wave signs tomorrow morning (at 7am). I don't really want to go to the party and watch the first returns come in with my favorite congressional candidate of all time and his loyal supporters. I really don't want to go to Election Central and see everyone. I really, really, really don't feel up to heading over to the bar after Election Central to watch the rundown on the televisions there. I really don't feel up to it.

I do feel like getting my haircut.

I do feel like dropping off my kid, picking up some sushi, and curling up in that hotel room with a remote control and eventually a man I haven't seen in a month.

I don't feel like I have a place out and about tomorrow night. I don't feel like I've earned a spot at the party or a seat at the bar. I haven't actually DONE anything this time around. I put up some yard signs and staffed some tables and a couple of events last summer. I've consulted on a race for the past year in Sitka. I gave a lot of money I didn't really have available to a bunch of candidates, but I haven't been busting my ass to try and get anyone elected. I haven't been putting in the unbelievable amount of time that all these others have and I'm embarrassed. I don't want to have to talk to anyone.

I don't want to stumble over what it is I am DOING with myself these days.

The truth is, I'm not doing much and it is really hard to come up with an answer that doesn't make me sound like a total drop out from society.

I encounter this problem fairly routinely. At the grocery store, at the gym, at the coffee bar, at wherever it is I find myself where I run into someone I know/have known/went to school with/is friends or acquaintances or colleges of one of my parents... I'm really not doing anything. I'm living at my parents' house. I'm taking care of my kid. I'm serving as my parents' personal shopper, chauffeur, and caterer. I'm waiting around to see when and if my Boyfriend will arrive. I'm totally out of money. Totally. I'm freaking out about money. And about having to get a job. And about the time sacrifice that is going to mean to my Daughter. And about how much she really truly needs me around right now and more than that WANTS me around right now. And how even though she sleeps at her Dad's house three nights a week I'm with her everyday for at least a part of the day except every other Sunday. I sacrificed a lot of time with her for the first two years of her life. It wasn't exactly voluntary, but I made choices and those choices did not often allow for us to see each other everyday of the week. I don't think I could survive that again and I know it would be hard on her. I know that, at this point, any "Mom Time" that falls by the wayside because of a job is going to affect her and not for the better.

The guilt of knowing that something is going to have to change soon is overwhelming and paralytic.

There are some bright spots.

Boyfriend's job has been transferred up here for the rest of the year, so he will be here, living here after tomorrow. That was a major obstacle that I've been waiting out since last summer and I'm relieved that its over now. Of course, the next step is just as hard; now we all have to reintegrate back into the relationship and its been a couple of months and it is never easy. But, he came through. He stepped up and is relocating his life to be here with us (IN. MY. PARENTS. HOUSE. nonetheless...at least for the time being) and he even made it five days prior to my emotionally distraught deadline, so, there is hope.

We have tickets to travel at Christmas. Boyfriend, his Son, Daughter, and I.

The damn election is almost over and Sarah damn Palin might just loose and that would be such a sweet, sweet victory.

I get to go to Seattle at least once and maybe twice this month. That pleases me to no end.

Daughter will be here, with us, for all of next week as Her Dad is going to be away on a business trip.

These are all good things. These are all hope filled things.

Goddamn, I don't want to jinx anything, (Internet, you have no IDEA how TERRIFIED I am of jinxing this thing) but there is a really good chance we could elect Barack Obama President of the United States tomorrow. Tomorrow! I think that would be enough to carry me through for awhile. I need something to believe in, something to have a little faith in, something to point to and say Hot Damn! Everyone does not in fact suck. And so, I sit here typing with fingers crossed and vote cast. Trying to squelch my inner cynic. Trying to give myself until Wednesday to figure out what to do with my life.

It is snowing outside. Just a little. Maybe it will keep coming down and everything will look pretty again. Maybe come Wednesday the world will actually be a little bit prettier of a place.

1 comment:

Rachel said...

Stumbled upon your blog since you're a fellow NaBloPoMo'er. I just wanted to drop a line, and say that I found it to be a good read.