A place to hang the dishes.

I have been looking at a house.

We went twice this weekend.

Daughter loves said house. Has declared it the "NEW MOMMY HOUSE" despite the fact that it is not "lellow" like the last Mommy House.

There is enough room for all four of us (Daughter, Boyfriend, and Boyfriend's Son should he choose to spend any amount of time with us which we are all hoping that he will choose to do.)

Its pretty 80's which isn't a major complement in this town. It needs some work, but some of the big upgrades have been done...the kitchen is very stainless and steely.

Dear, sweet, compassionate Boyfriend who has never in his life bought so much as a decent car, has pretty much signed on to buying this place having only seen a steady stream of photos in an effort to keep me moderately sane. Things have not been going very well in the Current Living Situation/Sanity Department. Not very well at all.

In September, Daughter and I relocated back here. Since that time I have been staying at my parents' house and she has been splitting her time between her Dad's House and here. I think (hope?) that it is challenging for people who have a positive, well-boundaried relationship with their children's grandparents to reside in the same place. We do not have such a relationship and it is more or less hell. Mostly for me. Daughter likes it here, but even she has been asking more and more and more and more about When! there will be! a New. Mommy. House?

There was an incident this past week that really put the last nail in the coffin (pulled the last nail out of the coffin?) of my ability to stay here. It involved my sister and her husband and a bunch of people hiding from me the fact that they were coming for a ten day long visit. Which was difficult. My relationship with those two people was more or less sacrificed on the alter of my divorce and I'm ok with that. We don't like each other. We don't see the world even REMOTELY similarly and we can not find a common, civil ground, but so long as I am staying in this house with my child I feel that I have a right to know who else will be here so that I can judge whether or not I need to make alternative plans for my child and I to maximize our time together and to minimize emotion! and stress! that she may be subjected to if there are people in the house who refuse to look at/speak to/acknowledge the presence of her mother in a room (just for example).

I feel like I was intentionally deceived and that I have no reason to trust my parents. Period. For the last time. So, despite the fact that Boyfriend isn't here yet (will be at the end of April) and that shopping for a house would be a new, interesting thing for him, we have decided that we need to get out of this environment and into something else as quickly as possible.

Hence the house hunting. Please send good karma our way. We really need a break in the weather and a light at the end of the tunnel. At least I do. I need something in my life to tell me that I can hold my shit together. That my long, three year adventure of living in boxes while attempting to raise a well adjusted child will soon be coming to an end. That at long last we can look at each other and say that we are moved into a life with a set course and a real path to follow. (And also a place to hang all my beautiful pots and pans that have been wasting away in storage for months and months and months and months and months and months and months...

so, there is that.

Its Thursday and Daughter and I are both beat. I continue to not sleep well and Daughter was not ready to get up this morning. She was weepy and wandering when I arrived at her Dad's House at 8 to pick her up.

It is 9:30 as I sit here writing this and we are camped out on the couch, half asleep, covered in blankets, watching Aladdin. I am such a lazy mother. I'm on shots 5 and 6 of espresso this morning and they don't seem to be making much of a dent.

Note(s) to self: must cut back on coffee. Must figure out how to get more sleep. Also, must be more reliable about getting laundry done in a timely fashion. I really suck at all three of those things. FAIL.

I'm ready for the election to be O V E R. I don't do particularly well with uncertainty and there is a lot of that floating around everywhere these days. If nothing else, Election Day (good god, let it be decided on Election Day) will bring some unknowns to an end.

Daughter and I have to make a ton of Macaroni and Cheese (adapted from my Grandmother's recipe) today. That might help my overall outlook on life.

NaBloPoMo starts on Sunday. I'm really looking forward to that too. I think that some sort of new structure will be good for me as well.

And I'm getting my hair cut on Tuesday, because when you are only a campaign VOLUNTEER, you can do indulgent things on Election Day like get you hair done so you look totally hot for Election Night Festivities.

And I'm going to Seattle for a few days next week for a meeting. I'm really looking forward to the trip and to the work we are going to get done and hanging out with my friends R.S. & S.F.

Daughter is with me the entire week after I get back, too. Her dad will be away at a work conference. So that is awesome.

And we have a Target. And I was there again yesterday. And its such a treat to have our very own Target that has cute things like this and this and is right here instead of all the way in Seattle like Trader Joe's and Whole Foods and all the other cool places like this.

AND I've finally booked all the travel arrangements for our Christmas Trip. Which is a whole new set of stresses, but at least we are all committed now. So, there is that.

Oh, Winter. . .

I am not ready for real winter to be here. I realize that I have mentioned this before. It seems that we are really in for it this year.

Daughter and I had a good time with the new saucer sled in the backyard yesterday. She was better decked out in winter wear than I was and would have stayed out a lot longer if she had been given the option.

I swear, I really am trying to make the best of it. Seriously. I am. I had a very in depth discussion last night (by discussion, I mean gchat) with a friend of mine who is a serious skier (here, which I did not know is not in Vermont) and got some good tips on getting skis and who to talk to at REI to get cheep stuff that will work for my beginner self. I already have boots. That's a step in a direction if I do say so myself.

It isn't as though I haven't done winter before. I've lived in Alaska for 17 years. (Whoa.) Winter keeps coming back around every six months or so. Its the way it works. I understand this. I'm not surprised by it.

I just do not enjoy it very much.

And this year it is much, much earlier than it has been in quite sometime. Which means that we are in for a long haul and I am trying to make peace with that. I am trying. I am trying. I am trying.

I think that, in addition to the winter being early there are a lot (A LOT!) of loose ends and much uncertainty floating around in my life at the moment which is making me crabby and anxious. What is that, Internet, you would like an accounting of the things that are making me buggy. Well, if you insist:

1. I am living at my parents' house for starters. I'm not just 'staying' here. I'm LIVING here. Which I swore (SWORE) I would not ever do ever again. It looks like Daughter and I will be here well into 2009. I am daunted by this prospect. I am disheartened by this prospect. I am really tired of my parents having a great deal of power over my life and being oh so generous with their opinions. Yes, I sound like an ungrateful ass. Noted.

2. In addition to living at my parents' house, I am driving my dad's car. Which means I am doing a lot of chauffeuring and asking permission to go places.

3. Boyfriend is still living where we used to live, instead of here. He has to get a job here before he can move. The apartment where we lived is in a building that has been sold and the new owners are moving into his place on November 1st. Which means that he will still be there, but doesn't have a place to stay. Its all very up in the air and stress inducing and frustrating and really frightening. I'm really concerned about the level of stress that we are operating under, long distance, indefinitely. Its not good. We have spent a tremendous amount of time apart since we got together. We were seeing each other for about 3 months before I left town. Then apart for three months. Then I was staying with him, but out of town a LOT for four months. Then my dad got sick and I was here for three months. Then we moved into the apartment together in May and Daughter and I moved back here the first week of September. I would say we have spent as much time apart in our relationship as we have spent together. And that sucks. And I'm really, really tired of it. And really, really ready to settle into a life together. And I have a really, really short fuse when it comes to a lot of these things and that is not at all helpful.

4. It is campaign season. This generally increases my mental stress load tenfold. Of course this happened. So I would say my blood pressure is right up there with Dick Cheny's these days.

5. I don't have a job and I need to get one and getting one means that I am going to have to sacrifice time with Daughter and that breaks my heart into 47 pieces (I've counted them) and I just don't know what to do.

6. I am not sleeping well.

7. It is possible that I have a lingering medical condition that I am choosing to ignore which is based in part due to my lack of medical insurance and in part because I don't want to deal with it.

8. There is six inches of snow on the ground. I mean, seriously.

I think that eight is enough, don't you?