Well, hellllooo...

Hello Internet.

It has been awhile.

I'm not sure I anything interesting to say and I didn't want to use this exclusively as my own personal bitchandmoan space.

Things are not going so well. I suppose they are more or less fine or that this is what it means to make your bed and lay in it or something.

Daughter turned three last month. She remains perfectly delightful and wonderful and is very much looking forward to our trip to Disneyland next month.

Boyfriend moved here (sort of) and then took a new job in the Legislature, so he technically "lives" here but spends the Legislative Session in the Capital City...so he is gone three months of the year. It has been a tough transition. Espicially for me. Patience isn't really a virtue I claim to have perfected and I just keep waiting and waiting and waiting in a fairly toxic environment.

When he gets back in May we are going to go about the process of buying a house. Until then I remain at my parents' house. Which is killing me and not at all particularly slowly.

Also, I got a job.

Its a good job.

It works well for my life.

It is half-time. I work on the days when Daughter is at her Dad's House and am home on the days when she is with me.

I started up my Master's Degree again and am taking two classes. One of which is Microeconomics. Algebra and I do not have a good working relationship. We broke up in the 10th grade and we are not happy to be thrown together again.

I also have a perma-cold. Of the chest and sinus variety. Before she was in pre-school I had one of those more or less magical children who really only rarely had so much as a cough. She and her step-brother started at separate pre-schools the same week in September. We have all been pretty much sick ever since. Between the two of them I feel like I must spend most of my life licking every other child in town. Its disgusting.

Anyway, I am really worn down. I'm having a hard time focusing and getting excited and being in the moment. Or making the most of it. Or just being happy. I get teary reading stories to Daughter. Children's books are not supposed to make you cry in the middle of the day in a coffee shop.

Last weekend was a "Dad Weekend" and I had to be in the Capital for work on Monday and Tuesday, so after I dropped Daughter off at her Dad's House I got on a plane and went to spend the weekend with Boyfriend. I upgraded to first class because I really Could Not Deal with coach and the ticket had been paid for by work. I had a couple of little airplane bloody mary's and proceeded to make it to the hotel room only minutes before competely LOOSING. MY. SHIT. for no fewer than two and a half hours. Just painful, racking, sobbing. Nonstop. For hours. And then I feel asleep for awhile. And then we went out with some friends until later than I had done anything in well over a year.

I am really too old for going out.

It was actually a nice break from all this. The time with Boyfriend was good. We got along and really enjoyed being together and the work stuff was more or less productive and it was good to see what few friends I have. And I love it there.

And here I am.

Tomorrow I am going to write about Daughter watching the DVD that Disneyland sent us. She is supremely excited about the upcoming trip. I got excited for awhile too, watching her light up with anticipation. Now I am just sort of dreading the whole thing though. My parents are taking us all on the trip and I am pretty raw with my parents right now. Yes, yes, that deserves something of an explination as well.

I am going to try an pick this back up again. I think that writing is good for me and having a creative outlet is good for me too. After a facebook/exhusband related incident I am going to try somewhat harder to remain anon here and will not be posting photos. Which really is a shame because I got a helluva great camera for Christmas and I am taking some seriously MommyBlog worthy photos lately.

Also, I have been reading. A Lot. And I want to start writing more about what I am reading. And what Daughter and I are reading...we do A LOT of that too.

Cheers for now.
LRH

Sincerely, Anonymous

Dear Internet,

I choose not to share with you my daughter’s first name. Although it is a very, very good one if I do say so myself.

Privacy issues are a topic of constant debate in the mommyblogosphere. Honestly, it was one of those debates that I was having with myself for months that inhibited me from writing my own stuff instead of just reading about other people’s lives.

Here is the thing. I do not actually believe that putting her face and/or name online, on my blog of all things, is going to put my daughter at any real risk.

I am not a celebrity or an heiress. No one really gives a damn. She doesn't carry a Prada purse. My car is ten years old. Like I said, no one GIVES a damn.

Here, then, is my reservation and it is part of a much larger ongoing aspect of her life and mine as her parent.

Her dad and I are divorced. We have similar parenting philosophies and are currently writing out the details of a long overdue ‘parenting plan’ for the child that we share we don’t raise together. We share custody. When she is with him, she is with him. When she is with me, she is with me.

I think this is a unique thing for single parents who are writing about their kids or about being parents. I don’t have anyone to ok things with. And oh lord, I don’t want to rock the boat or upset anyone. I don’t want to appear to be exploiting my daughter or her father or their new family which includes his girlfriend, her son, and the baby they are expecting in the fall.

Eventually this topic winds its way around in my brain back to the much larger topic of Family. What constitutes my family? My daughter’s family? What loyalties to I owe and to whom exactly? My daughter is clearly first and foremost in my decisions, but there are so many other people’s lives and opinions that must be factored into this process. There is her dad and his family. There is my boyfriend who has children and an ex of his own. There are sisters and parents and employers and ARGH! Where is the guidebook already? Hmm?

Hell, my mother still hasn’t quit contesting some of the facts in a story she found that that I had written for a memoir class in college and that was Seven Years Ago. Darling internet, can you feel my fear?

At any rate, for the time being I choose to stick with anonymity. At the very least, I choose to do so on this very global level. Those of you who know who I am because I invited you here also know my kid and her dad and the rest of it. For those of you who do not, please bear with me, I’m not trying to be a prima donna; I’m just attempting to navigate uncharted territory.

Family is the topic at hand here this week. What do we look like? Where we are going. And how , though we may not all look like the Berenstain Bears or Leave it to Beaver; we all deserve the same acceptance.

Please Stay tuned.

Sincerely, Anonymous