Cluck, Cluck, Cluck

02 July 2008

La Rochelle

My girl and I are blissing out in the sun today.
I woke up feeling very zen after a couple of 'bad mommy' days.
The sun is out. It is in the seventies. I continue to be somewhat ashamed by what a huge difference the weather has on my mood, demeanor, and general level of mental illness.
Daughter has spent most of the day in little more than a diaper. We were at the beach by ten this morning. We had our breakfast there before the tide came in and we got pushed back to the little beach park. We didn't stick around much longer as a bunch of bigger boys (maybe ten year olds?) descended with all their aggression and violence, running around calling each other pussies. The little shits.
I worry that I am going to make Daughter a bit anti-social. We went home after the beach and camped out on a quilt in the back yard reading books and eating snacks and our signature EmergenC Popsicles for the rest of the day. We read through about twenty of her books.
I'd rather hang out with her all by ourselves then share her with playmates. I'm selfish that way these days.
She has, in the past couple of days, started calling me 'Mom'.
As in "Look at me, MOM! I'm a baby bird!" "Look at me, MOM! I'm coloring just like you! We are coloring TOGETHER, MOM!"

I tell her that I am writing a story about our day; our lovely, sunny day.

She says she is drawing SCARY DRAGONS!
I think I could live just about anywhere that was 70 and sunny a majority of the time. So long as we were near the water.
I wish we could have gone swimming in the ocean today. I want her to fell the pull of the tide and the buoyancy of salt water.
It was just about three years ago to the day, when I was just barely pregnant and in La Rochelle, France with my then-husband.
I would lay out on the beach all day, basking in the sun. Topless. (Yes, SO scandalous. Once I started with the topless...oh BABY...there was no going back.)
We ate the best fruit, delicious baguettes, and oh, sweet jesus...those eclairs.
When the tide came in, I would go out into the water, swim out far. Far enough to make my husband nervous. He does not much enjoy water.
It was not a sparkling, turquoise ocean. It was brown and dense. It was the Atlantic. Very salty. An age old fishing village and shipping port. But the water was splendid. Warm on the surface, cool underneath. Bright beautiful sun.
The 'baby' and I swam a lot. I talked to it about the ocean. About how much it was already loved. ---
When they splayed me out naked on the operating table and shone the huge surgical light over me during the C-Section, I took myself back in my head to that beach, the ocean in La Rochelle.
I think it was the place that I was happiest in my life.
Someday, I want to take Daughter there too. Again, I suppose. So that we can swim in that ocean together.
I hope she has the confidence to run around as naked as she had been today.
An awful, awful lot has happened in the past three years.
It all just fell apart.
There have been a lot of days when the future has seemed like a really frightening place. So much instability. So large a margin of error.
Days like today, blissing out in the yard with books and sunshine and my most deliriously, darling Daughter...Days like today make me believe that we may get back to that beach someday, but in the meantime, well, in the meantime we are having a good time right here in the now.
We even built a castle in the yard today. Just like the one in La Rochelle.

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